The Universe and Words

First Snow

2012-02-07T03:01:00.000Z

* * *

White and delicate

but unlike a feather, unlike a flower,

unlike the little secrets that we tend to keep,

it hushes the bellowing wind

and carelessly falls into

the bosom of this city.

I will not write about the bitter cold,

or frozen hearts and hearts of stone

like how others write so austere,

instead

I will long for his kiss,

the sun, the midday star,

his burning light I will miss.

Instead,

I will thank the heavens,

and the hands of fate in this lifetime

for this one chance to see

such yonder, stark yet sublime.

Instead,

I will selfishly write

until I remember my self again,

from losing love, as everything goes

save for this faithful pen.

Photo: A view from our porch
(Collingwood Road, Haringey)

Smile Lines

2012-02-04T04:04:00.000Z

* * *

She took a long, intimate pause

before she lifted her sweet, sweet face

then took small and gentle steps

towards the sunny lawn,

towards him, smiling like never before.

He held her hand,

lovingly watched her eyes glitter

with awe, visible smile lines,

and pearly tears,

as he waited for the right moment

to respond with a breathless kiss,

sealed with a silent prayer.

Do you still remember

the moment our praying lips parted

when we bid us farewell?

How I went to the sea and drank

its mellifluous laments and lullabies,

how I painted the stars, wrote your name

across the sky, sang for you and slept

for a hundred years of solitude,

how I, finally, let go?

Now,

before our smile lines show age

and fade like memories,

take his hand,

touch her face,

look at the sky mirroring the sea.

I never stopped loving you,

and I will, forevermore,

love the happiness in your eyes.

Photo: Hyde Park

We Never Will

2012-02-01T03:42:00.002Z

* * *

If I could only tell you

how much I hurt whenever I feel

your sadness, your silence,

your longing to live everyday—

I would finally run free.

You pulled me into your life

and trapped me in your dreams—

I could easily choose to flee

but you hold me in your arms

like what we have is real.

But what is it that is real?

Is it the truth that I learn

from each word that you tell?

Is it the promise of hope

that I feel from your breath?

Is it the curious love

that I find only in your arms?

Or is it the choice that I shall make

the moment I finally realize

that our dreams belong to us

but we never will.

Photo: Northern skyline.

Sa Liwanag ng Araw

2012-01-27T21:24:00.001Z

* * *

Habang ang karamihan

ay umiibig sa ilalim ng sikat ng araw,

habang ang mga anino ng kanilang nakaraan

ay hindi naman ikinababahala,

o ikinahihiya,

Nag-iisa akong nag-iisip,

habang ika'y may inuusisang mga ibang bagay,

habang sa iyong palagay ay sapat lang ang ganito,

habang ang mga bisig mo'y nagpapaalala sa akin

ng buong-pusong pagsinta
o tunay na pagmamahal,

bakit
tila hindi para sa atin

ang pag-ibig sa liwanag ng araw?

Photo: Palawan

The Ballerina

2012-01-27T02:56:00.000Z

* * *

My heart was walking me home last night

through empty streets and cold alleys

through thick and thin, and fleeting clichés

when I saw this moonlit sky,

this colored photograph.

I took it

as a sign, a comforting vision

between windy breaths and chilly blows,

then saved it in my pocket,

skipped and smiled.

Then, from some invisible cloud up there,

a letter fell,

gently gliding like a delicate feather

or a downy petal—no,

a butterfly—

signed, sealed, sent by you.

Where did you come from,

why are you here?

I am the ballerina in your dreams.

Photo: A view from the streets of Chelsea

Standing Ovation

2012-01-05T02:52:00.000Z

* * *

What's in a name?

Otto:

you thought of her with much spite,

yet with much love.

You can never deny it but you saw me too

you saw me when I saw you,

we'll never know who first saw who.

I wouldn't have surrendered

if it weren't for your clandestine eyes.

If it weren't for your beckoning heart.

Giuseppe:

tell me again how fresh flowers taste

like flesh or bloody wine

to your lips, sing me another song!

before you break your heart, succumb,

send me a single rose's kiss,

with your name, your name Givola.

Basilio:

I was there, whether you knew it

or never,

but when you needed my strength,

my words and hands to hold you,

to carry you through your own battles,

when you sorely wanted me

while the others flee—

I was there. I was there.

A disputed Vladimir or Julius Ceasar,

or simply

your allusive namelessness, your highness—

the list of roles and sobriquets continues...

You hide in different names, different faces,

different lights and scaffolding mazes,

while you hid me secretly, selfishly in your

subconscious flights of kisses

and embraces.

Whether I may never get to know you

at all, or see you again,

this is my final act, I tell you, my eulogy,

A Tribute to Innocence.

(Standing Ovation)

Son, Listen to My Words

2012-01-01T06:00:00.000Z

* * *

FATHER

Son, listen to my words, I want what's best for you

though I may not give you more than a pair of shoes

My words to you will last a lifetime, my words of love

I can tell, now I tell you, you will rise above

I cannot promise to give more, or give too much

but you, as soon as you grow up, more lives you'll touch

your heart is very young, and your mind is daring

you can reach your dreams if your spirit is willing

Son, listen to my words, I tell you 'cause I know

One day you'll believe it, faraway places you'll go

Son, listen to my words while I am here I'll show

how much I am proud of you, and I love you so—

SON

'Tay, your words are big, your words somehow scare me

Living up to your expectations is hard, you see?

But I'll listen to your words, tell me, I'll obey

because your words are bright, I will not go astray

I cannot promise to give more, or give too much

but for you, I promise you, more lives I will touch

my heart is very young, and my mind is daring

thanks to you, from now on I will not stop dreaming

(Counterpoint)

SON

'Tay, I'll listen to your words,

'cause I know you know

I can't wait for that day

when I can finally grow

I thank you for your love

I can feel it, it's true

because you're proud of me

I'll do my best for you.

FATHER

Son, listen to my words,

I tell you ‘cause I know

One day you’ll believe it,

faraway places you’ll go

Son, listen to my words

while I am here I’ll show

how much I am proud of you,

and I love you so—

FATHER

Son, listen to my words while I am here I'll show

how much I love you, I'll do everything for you.

Photo: "Ageless Passion" the musicale

Morning Reminds Me

2011-12-30T06:30:00.000Z

* * *

If I wake up,

look at my hands and lift my face,

peek at the gleaming window

between my fingers and see

the empty sheets of clouds,

will I be able to tell apart skies,

shores, latitudes, spaces, places?

If I wake up,

and feel the ebbing December breeze

cold as the damp kiss of morning,

will your smiling eyes greet me again?

Like the brightest day between spring and summer

or the happiest moment of my youthful life,

simply reminding me

that,

life goes on,

love lives on.

Inconsistent Time Zones

2011-12-20T22:05:00.001Z

* * *

For some people

in this bulbous globe of winding clocks

two time zones exist.

One is here, the other is there,

one is day, the other is night (or almost),

one is ten minutes past nine p.m.

and the other,

ten minutes past five,

so early in the morning (like now).

The two

never actually meet

but only chase each other

or exchange horizons and stars

or messages across the universe.

This is reality,

or maybe, it's not,

when it feels like a dream

to wake up in your arms for seven days,

sunrays piercing through the blinds

alighting gently on my cheeks

where your beautiful face hides

and rests at the same time.

For me,

between "real" and "unreal"
between "here" and "there"
between "you" and "me"

I know there's only one time,

one chance—

the moment I first saw you.

Nemesis

2011-11-30T01:35:00.001Z

* * *

Your vision

captures hues, grains and textures,

reveals distorted compositions and disturbing montages.

The thin film at the surface of your eyes

is parched

and the thirsting soul beneath your pale skin

envies the seemingly endless watery streams

that flow in your mind.

While you sleep,

your body awakens vivid dreams and mysterious stigmas

your innermost desires melt into purées of colors—

reds, scarlet and crimson,

blues, cobalt and indigo,

yellows, grays,

and jet black.

One day,

as you wake up,

while you stare adamantly at the dreamy glare

of the afternoon sunrise,

of solid concrete and plastic skyscrapers,

of attractive eyes, unrecognizable faces, mutable sights,

of your reflection in front of the mirror—

You will see me and we will try again.

Photo: A view from the streets of Euston

Amongst the Stars

2011-11-19T02:33:00.001Z

* * *

I am afraid.

The last time I saw you was not in a dream

I can vaguely remember, but yes—it was you

my mind will prove what my eyes do believe.

Now I hover amongst the stars

suspended in deep boundless darkness

my mind prowls the sea of glittering sand—

in search of the one thing it will never find.

When I let you go you haplessly fled

you hid so cleverly amongst the heavenly stars

your earthly charm blended in their chorus of light

and your glimmer lingers every sleepless night.

When I let you go you happened to fly

you never said a word but you left a smile

my mind will prove what my heart believes

now I defy the stars in pursuit of a wish—

Once and for all come back to me!

Or I shall take advantage of gravity

I will plunge through the abyss of oblivion

and we shall never see each other again.

Photo: Southbank of River Thames

Better

2011-11-10T03:18:00.000Z

* * *

I recall,

before we parted ways,

before we chose to walk towards our own "destinies"

(although, yours might have lead you to something better)

you casually mentioned, or rather, reminded me

that I can only do so much.

Your eyes fondly stared at me as you meant those words

neither to accept hopelessness nor make me feel I'm weak,

but you just knew it'd better come from you

than anyone or anybody else.

Who else knew me too well but you?

Your fingers caressed my ears, brushed my hair,

I closed my eyes; a failed attempt

to conceal brimming tears.

Again, you reminded me

that there are better ones, hundreds out there

who could do so much better

who could think better than I could

who could speak or write better than me—

Then,

you took me in your burning arms,

how else could one say goodbye?

After a decade now,

count ten years back from this exact moment in time,

we were still too young when you said to me:

better ones you'll meet

once we are out of this small obsessive world

when we no longer are confined, defined

but simply noticed.

(silence)

said I. Then we parted.

At this very moment,

(try recounting years again)

I finally realize that you only wanted me

to be content,

to know who I truly am—

like how,

perhaps, you once knew that much.

After years of waxing and waning,

no doubt, I tried

knowing for some reason I'll see you again,

anticipating, aching, longing

to tell new stories, ask fond questions,

or admit secrets already forgotten—

Like how I miss you

and every memory of you, so real and surreal

my heart weeps every time.

Only you knew me better.

From Yesterday

2011-11-08T02:00:00.000Z

* * *

Dance, dance, dance

until we disappear into thin air

your fingers locked in mine,

with one breath our bodies entwine.

Entranced,

we fix our gaze upon a dwindling star

we borrow one lifetime, one chance,

we choose, we dance.

We sing,

we sing our song in parallel beats,

then we go beyond written lines

with our voices, we soar.

Until—

Now we're left with broken beats,

traces and sheets of distant songs,

we're left with fleeting sounds

and nothing else, no more.

Before long, after you left

your calming voice caressed my ears,

these walls watched as I lay me down

these eyes cried longer than the rain.

How do I set you free

or keep you from hurting me?

with your silence and words unspoken,

frail whispers and muted promises?

Never, my pillow can never replace

your arms, your gentle embrace,

or your kiss, one last kiss from you
from yesterday.

Photo: Guy Fawkes Night

After Twelve Months

2011-10-12T00:47:00.000+01:00

* * *

After twelve months—

let's not call it a year lest we regret our sense of time—

your messages still fill my broken phone

with letters in lower case, and repeating syllables,

elated punctuation marks, and crazy umlauts,

spaces between words, and spaces between lines.

Those spaces,

trifle as they may "seem",

we take them for granted—

you and I; that's what I meant by we.

Those spaces,

they stretch like long days and endless nights,

they endure months and seasons of solitude,

they keep your secrets out of sight.

Beyond my sight, wherever you may be,

despite the space between us that spans years and oceans,

You happily add another twelve months,

you celebrate, you undoubtedly live, you finally move on.

(Belated) Happy birthday.

Photo: Hyde Park

Your Eyes

2011-10-01T11:01:00.000+01:00

* * *

Your eyes

I wonder how they speak to me

I am hypnotized,

I sleep in your arms

Your gaze

I see when I sleep, I dream

I always pray that you'll hear

this song I sing

You left

without words, without goodbyes,

I waited for you, I prayed

but you were gone

I'll forget

but my beating heart will remember

I gave my all to you,

now I'm gone

I'll see you again

and say with all my breath

that I miss you

and I need to be with you,

and I want to forget—

to remember you

makes me weak.

Photo: a wilting rose
(Queen Mary's Rose Garden, The Regent's Park)

I'll see you again

2011-09-27T00:56:00.000+01:00

* * *

Do you believe in destiny?

I do.

But I never imagined how clever it can get

One day it led me to you.

You were there exactly where I found you

But I was caught by surprise.

Do you believe in love?

I do.

It is so real yet it never speaks

Like how you don't need words yet I know.

Each word that you don't say moves me

And with your smile I am content.

Do you believe in the afterlife?

I do.

I imagine seeing you after this lifetime

Your face without any trace of sadness

Your smile telling me words you never say

And we'll dream of time and again.

Do you believe in destiny?

I do.

I tell you, we'll see each other again.

Photo: Buckingham Palace

In My Room

2011-09-15T10:20:00.000+01:00

* * *

In my room—

where I dump words that never sound,

where I see the blue walls turn

to sky and falling leaves in my dreams,

where I feel the parquet under my feet

melting into earth and piercing my skin

gently like sand and soil,

where I throw myself into the sea of clouds

and sheets of wind,

where I hurl every breath

and haul sentiments and impressions

and keep them in my basket,

where I retrieve colors of mocha,

peach, skin, gray, white and azure

from the empty closet,

where I recall strange sounds like words

and strange words like noise

coming from the village outside,

where I translate movement to music

and stillness to painted pictures,

where whenever I am awake

I barely notice the passing of time,

and whenever I am asleep

I dream of doors and windows—

I sit at an empty corner, stop moving,

and remember you.

Close Your Eyes

2011-09-12T18:02:00.000+01:00

* * *

When you are cold and you need somebody

just close your eyes and then think of me

I'll be by your side singing you one song,

How have we dreamt of this for so long!

When you need me and I can't be with you

just close your eyes and feel my arms around you

I'll be by your side, under the stars we'll dream

I'll let you feel what I feel within.

Today

2011-08-31T01:17:00.011+01:00

* * *

Today, I will open my hands

and receive.

I will open my eyes

and understand

that things happen for a reason

that the world is still beautiful

that love is true, love is real.

And today, just for once,

I'll thank myself for who I am

and gladly, happily let me be

open my hands and let go

open my eyes and accept

that love is true,

love is real.

The world is still beautiful.

I now see

2011-08-21T06:44:00.000+01:00

* * *

Dust, air, light, dreams

tempestuously swirl before me

and with my very own eyes

I now see your body,

I now see your face, those eyes,

those lips that once tormented me,

you are alive!

Back from the dark past,

you have returned.

While I wait for tears

to wet my eyes, blur my vision,

you longingly take me into your arms

you press my body against your chest,

you seize my heart with such burning passion

I can never so faithfully describe until now,

then we gasp for air, you and I,

we drown our fantasies, lies and promises,

we hold on so tightly once and for all

and then

you close your eyes.

Impossible.

I do not love you anymore.

Murky Past

2011-08-17T04:53:00.002+01:00

* * *

You amuse me.

How it seems so easy for you to forget about me,

how you conveniently erase memories,

just to prove you have moved on.

You amuse me.

How you easily move from memory to memory,

how you treat our past like fallen petals,

and just let them wither away.

You amuse me.

How you carefully, cleverly choose your sentences,

how you use your words, your playful mind,

just to amuse me all over again.

You used to bathe in the past and drink its spirit

night and day you sing tirelessly about madness

and in your drunkenness you never noticed

how silently, I stood by

how silently, I dressed your wounds

as though you did everything on your own,

as if you recovered, as if you moved on

without me, without my hand.

You amuse me.

How you speak as if you never knew

that once in your murky past

I did love you.

Wings

2011-08-07T05:45:00.000+01:00

* * *

If we were born with wings,

you and I,

and perhaps we were made to fly

would we reach great heights,

cover leagues and lands,

or would we reach the sky?

And if one day

in one ambitious flight

I break my wing and hurtle in mid-air,

and lose control and start to fall,

would you extend your arms,

stretch your wings and dare the plunge

with tears in your wide eyes,

and reach for me as I plummet

like one fallen angel,

or would you fly?

Or would you fly,

soar beyond the horizon of clouds

surpass the bounds of your imagination

and flap your boastful wings,

cast a shadow over me,

would you leave me behind?

How then would you fly

if we were born with wings,

you and I?

A Sounding Vow

2011-07-31T23:05:00.004+01:00

* * *

In times of loss

or hopelessness,

belligerence or confusion,

believe in love.

Where it lies dormant

it still breathes,

pulsating like the tender heart

in your bosom where it lies.

When love hides it only wants you to seek,

when you hide, love only finds you,

know then, that when true love finds you,

you have nothing, nowhere to hide.

Like you, My Love,

you find refuge in my heart,

you fill my room, you fill my body

you simply prove that dreams are real,

despite our world's uncertainty.

But nonetheless, I am certain

and I love you,

please let me say it again and again,

for above the many ways we so fondly express it

there's no simpler way to make it a sounding vow,

and in such simplicity I want your very heart to know

that, I prayed for you as you prayed for me

that, you exist both in dreams and reality

that, once and forevermore

I love you

by all means—

bring me, take me,

kiss me, want me,

love me.

To love is to risk

2011-07-31T11:25:00.000+01:00

Life goes on, Love lives on.

KJCA

Desensitizing the Senses

2011-07-28T09:08:00.007+01:00

* * *

Deny me the taste of your garish promises

offer me sweetly your bland, flavorless scent

stir my ears with tongues of fire and fury

move me, again.

Your presence brings light

and the absence of taste and smell

you are the presence of silence

the absence of cold

touch me, again.

You are the absence of sanity

and the presence of yearning

the absence of thoughts

the presence of emptiness

the absence of answers

and the presence of love.

My Light

2011-07-16T05:52:00.005+01:00

* * *

You look at me like a mirror

and you catch my eyes, I stare

though I'm attracted by your luster,

my heart doesn't really care.

Then you smile at me like the sun,

you catch my eyes, I start to feel

captivated by the warmth you greet me,

you've made this feeling so real.

Photo: Mactan Shangri-La Hotel

Morning

2011-07-03T00:30:00.000+01:00

* * *

Morning.

I feel your sweet, soft breath

lightly touching my pale skin,

as you waft around me

like a scent from my childhood,

like a puff of hugs and kisses

bringing foggy reveries

of sweet things, simple things,

and unfading memories that glow

with each sliver of sunlight,

or each thing

that only you can show.

I love every little bit of you

every strand of your glowing hair,

every speck of your glistening skin,

but I love your touch even more—

you caress my heart with warmth,

with each promise that you bring,

you embrace me with tenderness,

you whisper, you speak, you sing.

Your happiness is forever young,

and I feel you smiling beside me,

and I trust to meet you,

to fall for you,

to lovingly adore you as I wake up

from a long, seemingly endless night

of deep, deep slumber.

Morning,

wake me up and kiss me please,

so I may let me forget, let me go,

and learn to live again.

Gently,

I opened my eyes,

and for the first time I saw

your face.

Photo: Palawan

Letters

2011-06-12T06:13:00.000+01:00

* * *

I used to love writing letters,

love letters on special paper or parchment

you see, these things can be collected

like memories and cursive sentiments.

I used to fall in love

and love easily, or madly, as I fall

but as I surrendered to time and grew old

my silly feelings went to a crawl.

But you came and wrote me letters

love letters, words and letters of love

you see, you made me write again

your lovely smile, I'll always have.

I flung myself into the open sky

2011-05-31T17:01:00.000+01:00

* * *

I flung myself into the open sky

and clasped my hands above my head

and opened my eyes as wide as the sea

and took a deep breath

effortlessly.

I am a child, a playful child

my days are short, and my nights last long

but there's no difference when I'm in a dream

I'm awake anyhow,

I transform at whim.

Before the setting sun, before dusk dawns

let me dance again, let me tell a story

let me collect leaves, fallen twigs and branches

I love, I stumble

I believe in second chances.

Two Years of Love Poetry

2011-05-31T16:50:00.002+01:00

Congratulations to Ms. Jennica Uy and Ms. Janine del Rosario for winning these Moleskine® notebooks! Indeed, you've made The Universe and Words blog's second anniversary memorable and very special. Thank you very much! (Congratulations to the four winners of Daycraft® notebooks too!)

♥ KJCA

As we are celebrating LOVE this month, two MOLESKINE® Legendary notebooks (soft cover, ruled or plain acid-free paper, 5" x 8.25") will be raffled off tomorrow (31 May 2011), together with four more fancy notebooks (Daycraft brand, soft cover, in various colors)!

Get a chance to win one of these prices by sharing this promo on your page, suggesting THE UNIVERSE AND WORDS blog/facebook page to your friends, selecting an original poem from the blog, and sending me a letter (here: kjcauniverse@gmail.com) explaining why you like that piece of poetry. (You may also add an original poem you wrote yourself, or a quick story about your own experience of love. Anything goes.) Please remember to put your FIRST NAME as the subject of your message/email.

NOTE: Your online letters will serve as raffle entries. Your friends could also help you win the prize if they could send their own personal letters explaining why YOU should win the MOLESKINE® notebook. They, however, must put YOUR FIRST NAME as the subject of their message/email, and also include in their message a poem they like (from http://universeandwords.blogspot.com).

So, are you ready to raffle? ♥ KJCA

Tell Me a Secret

2011-05-25T08:55:00.000+01:00

* * *

Tell me a secret.

And my lips will touch your ear

like a feather, like a flower,

and I will sing you a song.

Then your eyes will look at me

Oh so lovingly.

Where do you keep your secrets?

In your silly dreams, perhaps,

or your sarcasm and sincerity—

I’d like to know.

And I will listen very carefully

to your breath and your heartbeat

because I know I am there,

and you love me everywhere.

Without You With Me

2011-05-16T17:01:00.002+01:00

* * *

Like a new day—I see sunlight

it makes me happy, I break free

I wish you were here, I wish you could hear

'cause it ain't complete—without you with me

Now it feels real—I can make it

I have done everything I could do

to make you see me, to make you choose me

'cause nothing's complete—without you with me

(Instrumental)

III

Now I can open my heart again

colors, lights, and shooting stars dazzle me

this is what I want—I want you to see

only you can set me free—I need you with me

Refrain

When my stars are losing light

I think of the brightest day

when we were still together

we shared the songs of yesterday

when I'm alone and missing you

I close my eyes and thing of you

now I move on, I'll set me free—

you can stay put, now watch me—

Coda

Like a new day—I see sunlight

it makes me happy, I break free

I wish you were here, I wish you could hear

'cause it ain't complete—without you with me.

Words and Music: Jeff Agustin (2011)

I could have

2011-05-11T12:58:00.000+01:00

* * *

It was the perfect moment,

the perfect timing, the perfect place,

you were there as you are

as I were as I am.

Look, I could have asked for your name

or told you mine while our eyes locked

but my heart skipped fast and hurried,

after a heartbeat you just disappeared.

Then again, I could have told you my name

or asked for yours while we stole glances

but the flimsiest chance slipped away,

after one blink you were on your way.

If it weren't for your smile—I really could have,

but you see, I hesitated, and you thought twice

while everything around us stopped in time,

an orchestra played, and everything just rhymed.

Where are you now, or how are you?

I'm searching everywhere, I'm looking for you,

I can't help but smile whenever I remember

that perfect moment, our chance encounter.

Stairs

2011-05-05T18:55:00.001+01:00

* * *

I try to forget

but the mere attempt forces me to remember more

it's as if I were meant to meet you in an instant

when chances are slim and our feelings match.

I force myself

to keep my thoughts away from your silent command

to avoid the despair that mutters with your every breath

and at the same time accept that our time is over.

I cannot do this alone

I need you to help me forget and deny the love I feel

your voice is like a command that my body resists

but wants and utterly desires at the same time.

I will forget

though it hurts me to see you at the top of the stairs

and i am still here in the middle, afraid to lose myself

lost in between flights of stairs, in between choices.

I Am the Sea

2011-04-27T19:51:00.000+01:00

* * *

I am the sea

and you are the cold night

you blanket me with awe

and lull me to sleep.

I am the sea

and you are the little drops of water

that make up my entirety

and I am alive.

I am the sea

and you are the wind—

you push me away

and I resist

you stir waves from me

and I lose control

as I unleash bursts

of unceasing grief

to retrieve my sanity.

I am the sea

after the storm,

catching my breath,

drowning your name

deeper and deeper

until I finally consume you

and forget.

Sobriquet

2011-04-24T16:08:00.000+01:00

* * *

Your eyes, how they seize my gaze,

linger in my mind like smoldering orbs

Your fingers, how they stick to my skin,

puncture stains deeper than bloody tattoos

Your lips, how they press against mine,

leave traces of words and sweet wounds

Your name, how it spells my thoughts,

repeats like a song, a prayer, a plea

Your name, how it sounds

your name, how it is spelled

your name, how it is peculiar

your name, how it matches mine

your name, I will never forget.

In Prayer and Love

2011-04-23T05:55:00.000+01:00

* * *

I will pray for you

remember your name and smile

before my eyes dim.

Silence

2011-04-22T22:00:00.014+01:00

The Santuario del Santo Cristo, San Juan (built 1641, renovated 1963)

In commemoration of my alma mater.

The Santuario del Santo Cristo Parish Church is most famous for being a witness to a number of significant events in the history of San Juan. Today, the church is still administered by Dominican Fathers, led by the Parish priest Father Jesus Prol O.P., following the traditions of their forerunners and the founder of their order, St. Dominic de Guzman. The renowned church houses the Santo Cristo, a historically important sculpted image of the crucified Jesus Christ originally housed by the Dominican church of the Parian of Manila but was removed and kept in a safe place by the Dominicans during the Chinese uprising of 1639. The original head of the Santo Cristo was lost during the Chinese uprising and was never found, but the Chinese artist who carved the image sculpted a new head for the santo before it was transferred to the Santuario in 1641. The Santo Cristo constantly drew devotees and pilgrimages to the Church ever since.

The church also features a larger-than-life mural right above the altar on a quarter-dome structure of the ceiling. The “Resurrection of Jesus Christ” was painted by Ireneo "Rene" Robles in 1974, an artist who at that time is a student of the University of Santo Tomas College of Architecture and Fine Arts.

(Written for the Holy Week 2011)

A sojourn in the wilderness

2011-03-31T11:36:00.001+01:00

* * *

Today,

I learned a few simple things.

I learned how my fingers can cross

and carefully write a letter,

even with my eyes firmly closed,

as long as my heart is open.

I ate some fresh green leaves,

that's what they call salad,

and learned how to slow down

and pause to see

how beauty sits around me.

Then, at last, I sang two songs,

and for the first time I learned

to listen to every word I sing

simply telling me how life goes on

even if you're gone,

without asking or knowing why,

my prayers do reach the sky.

Photo: a view from Baguio Country Club, Baguio City

Stargazing Cancer

2011-03-28T05:00:00.001+01:00

* * *

I knew this time would come.

My eyes have seen it and I believed.

The stars revealed your name

as I whispered sweet incantations and deep breaths

beneath the moon, beneath the changing sky

for countless middays and midnights I sought

to see your face, to find your dreams,

to match your stars with mine

but I never found you.

Then without you, I shall set sail

through darkness, nightmares and tempting visions

let my dreams stretch as sails on a powerful mast

and my heart a compass pulsating with light.

Amidst the boundless ocean of vague realities

even without your hand I take the plunge

I will never drown for I am water

and I bring life, I am.

I am Cancer

I am not a single star but a sea

I am my wishes and dreams, I am a mystery

I am love, I love

and I will find you, let it be.

CANCER is one of the faintest constellations and the dimmest among the zodiac (even with the reintroduction of Ophiuchus), thus some call it "the dark sign". Greek mythology tells us how Cancer was rewarded a position in the sky for the crab's allegiance to Hera and for helping Hydra in a battle against Hercules.

* * *

"When it is darkest, men see the stars."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Kamay sa Aking Pisngi

2011-03-25T07:38:00.013Z

* * *

Binabalot ng malamlam na liwanag ang dapithapon

ngunit hindi man lang mabawasan ang tingkad ng paligid

sa halik ng naglalagablab na araw na kay lamig sa paningin,

sa ilalim ng ating nangungulimlim na himpapawid.

Habang nakaupo, inilapag ang mga palad,

huminga ng malalim, ipinikit ang mga mata,

pinagmasdang maigi ang naninibagong kulay ng kawalan

para bang isang taimtim na dasal, binulong ang 'yong pangalan.

Tikom ang mga palad na nanalangin at nangamba

sa iyong paglisan, sa aking pangungulila.

Sa 'di kalayuan, nangibabaw ang makukulay na alaala

hanggang dito, hanggang ngayo'y hinahanap-hanap parin kita.

Habang nangingilid ang mga luhang 'di mo napapansin,

binasag ng 'yong ngiti ang katahimikang namamagitan sa atin

iyong palad sa aking pisngi, muling inamin ang nadarama

iyong kamay sa aking puso, muling ipinangako ang pagsinta.

Huwag mong kalilimutan ang init ng aking yakap,

pagmasdan mo na lamang ang pagtigil ng bawat araw,

isantabi ang pangamba, palipasin ang paglalim ng gabi,

alalahanin ang dampi ng aking kamay sa iyong pisngi.

Teleserye

2011-03-21T10:40:00.005Z

* * *

Umuwi ako

kasabay ng paglamig ng gabi,

pagpasok sa pinto, tahimik na humakbang

kumuha ng maiinom, umupo, nanahimik sa isang tabi.

Hindi naman ako palanood ng telebisyon

mabagot man, ang radyo na lamang ang sasabayan,

mga libro o babasahin na lamang ang bubuksan,

aking kwarto na lamang ang tatambayan.

Sumagi ka sa isip ko

isa, dalawa, makailang beses.

At habang iniisip ka'y ilang mga patalastas ang lumipas,

nililibang na lang ang sarili sa mga bagong palabas.

Bakit nga ba iniisip ka pa?

ngayong nasa harap naman kita, pinagmamasdan

ang iyong mga mata, ang mga ngiting gumuguhit

naririnig ang iyong tinig, na para bang kay lapit,

hawak ang kamay na parang sa iyo na rin nakakapit.

Akala ko'y nasa isip ka lamang ngunit hindi lang pala,

ngayong kaharap ka, laman ng mga patalastas

hindi pala madali ang piliting kalimutan na

kung kahit sa telebisyon, ikaw parin ang makikita.

Akala mo ba'y gano'n lang kadali ang limutin ka?

o ang mga tagpo na kalakip ng ating mga alaala,

ang bawat araw na laging ikaw lamang ang kasama,

ang mga salitang ating sinulat, mga awit na pinagsaluhan,

mga biruan at tawanan, bawat lihim na tagpuan,

bawat saglit na ako'y iyong hagkan.

Akala mo ba'y gano'n lang kadali ang makita ka?

ngayong narating mo na ang entabladong inaasam,

ngayong pangarap mo'y natutupad mo na,

samantalang ang ordinaryong ako'y tila nalimot mo na.

Photo by Eric Cabahug

A mindless recount

2011-03-20T08:05:00.003Z

* * *

I have three things to say.

One.

I admit, yes,

I was a fool for you.

Who can tell who really made the first move?

It won't matter now, it never did, forget about it.

But you chose to tell, you brought me there,

and silly me, I fell for each word,

everything that came from your lips.

Ah! Those lips!

Two.

I admit, yes,

I fell for you but I never told you,

you don't have to hear me say it.

You just have to notice, you just have to feel—

that's what our hearts are for.

Or perhaps, you were too busy,

singing, dreaming, playing around

and I grew tired of waiting.

Three.

Maybe, I'm hurt

maybe you're not.

Just how do you expect someone like me

to sit back, relax, and wonder

what the hell happened?

Where did you go, what about me?

How about the little promises

we meant to keep?

There's more to say,

more to hide, more to feel,

but I've just got three words today.

Bury the Dead

2011-03-09T20:04:00.009Z

* * *

I stripped off your mystic skin

and exposed your flesh—bare and bland.

I gasped secretly and denied my face of expression

as I seized the last tiny speck of yearning for you

within me and purged it out of my system.

This is not an act of desperation.

This is a test.

And, I tell you, I passed.

I finally severed you from my body.

And, at last, I revert to my pristine form

without any trace of you in my skin, in my bloodstream,

or in my heart, my mind, my words, my past, my life.

Until and Until

2011-03-08T16:03:00.003Z

* * *

You have to listen to me

you have to know

that all this time,

despite all the pain,

I'm here and still

no matter how hurt I am

no matter how far you have gone,

still I believe

that a part of me remains in you

buried deep in your heart,

a part of me no matter how frail

sill revives everything you have forgotten,

and a part of you remains in me forever.

No matter where you are,

still I believe

that I will never again be complete

until and until

we meet each other again

in the same path,

the same story,

the same galaxy

of our intertwining fates,

and you shall never again

feel complete

until and until

tomorrow, for all time,

no, I will never again

be complete

until and until

we join our hands once more

and take a final chance,

risk one more lifetime

in the same universe,

the same star,

the same destiny,

where I will forever wait

until and until

you love me again.

Speed Limit

2011-03-01T16:24:00.005Z

* * *

Each word that you don't speak

ticks on top of my head

as I count the seconds and minutes

that stretch like roads and highways,

as I hum a muffled tune on top of my head—

I'll sing that one for you some other day.

Yes, I meant to count

because I've got nothing else to do

whenever I'm beside you,

whenever you gave me no choice

but to measure the distance we've covered,

but to look out for signs that lead to you,

but to give up 'cause I'm tired.

I can measure

distance in miles, time, and streaks of light

time in seconds, heartbeats, and silence

and space in unusual places where we've met.

But I cannot measure—

the distance between you and me

the time I've spent in reckless dreaming

the voided space you left in me.

You went past like a speeding light,

when I pulled over, you were still there

when I looked out, you were gone

when I closed my eyes, you were still there.

...

I've got no problem with speed limits.

the thing is, I don't really know the rules.

If I did happen to break one—

Sorry, I am.

Mirror

2011-02-25T08:04:00.010Z

* * *

You held your breath,

sat calmly on the cold cement,

looked at him with your eyes closed,

stared intently at his laughing eyes

glanced at his playful hands

observed his lips move.

Without a doubt you loved him so

but you never told him yet

and, perhaps, you might never tell

anyone, any single thing at all,

but, the secret is, I know.

Now, in front of the mirror,

you look at your eyes wide open,

you stare at the pale expression of your face,

you glance at the hazy room behind you,

you observe your burning heart.

How can you hurt if you cannot feel?

How do you love and not regret?

Look,

I am a mirror

I am invisible to your eyes

but let me tell you, for what it's worth

My love for you never dies.

How long do I have to hold my breath?

2011-02-23T06:27:00.006Z

* * *

Whenever you are in the same room as me

or in the same place, such as this—

I hold my breath and make no sound

I dare not look or think at all

I dare not move lest I distract you

perhaps, it's better this way.

For now,

I am content

just knowing, simply knowing

that we are restless under the same placid sky

we breathe the same air, the same words

we look at the same moon, stars,

and emptiness

and yes, we share the same lifetime.

Now,

while you're still here in this same room as me

while we're still in the same lonely sea of stars

by all means I will prove my strength,

I will resist, by all means I will remain calm,

by all means I will not drown.

Just when love inundates the realm of emotions

I only think of one thing and one thing only—

How long do I have to hold my breath?

For crying out loud

2011-02-21T14:10:00.000Z

* * *

Can you hear me?

(Screams loud utterances.)

Now, can you hear me?

(Cries some more.)

I repeat—can you hear me now?

I am mad, not in love,

but I am, with you.

I could produce sounds and curses

unimaginable, unintelligible to you

I could clench my fists in total restraint

or mindlessly, recklessly throw my body

until we collide head-to-head,

eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth.

I could articulate strings of vocabularies

and irregular verbs and phrases

you ought not to hear or know at all.

I am mad, not in love,

but I am, with you.

I am a master of sarcasm, an expert

of irony, wit, and judgment

and I have a right,

as much as

I have some left.

Can you just listen?

Just hear me out, I cry, listen to me—

I do not want to hurt you, see?

I just want to be heard, you see?

I neither asked too much nor too little,

I am mad, not in love,

but I am, with you.

(Yells.)

To good to be true

2011-02-14T14:58:00.000Z

* * *

Look.

I see curving shades of peach, tan, flesh, and brown

your skin glows under the luminosity of daylight

under the incandescent radiance of the afternoon sun

beneath the glittering lamps of the evening sky

your staring eyes twinkle with countless sparks

under the countless stars pinpricking the darkest night

your honeyed lips curve from dimple to dimple

promising the sweetest sounds, the sweetest kisses

under my daydreaming gaze you smiled unassumingly

your scent wafts and whirls like a magic spell

of morning air, childhood memories, secret recipés

under and over, above and beyond, over and over.

Then I composed myself, cupped my melting heart

lifted my shoulders, lifted my gaze, lifted my foot

You curiously looked at me still looking at you

for a single moment I waited. Then I walked away.

Who knows how we may see each other again?

Rain Suit Skating

2011-01-11T15:11:00.009Z

* * *

Hurriedly, I got to the mall

bright eyes staring, big eyes amazed

swirling people, swooping skaters

where else can I fix my gaze?

Lured by the fairies’ exquisite ballet

enticed by dainty dancing elves

I got myself in the freezing carnival

what an unusual ball!

Without a robe, a coat or jacket

I put on a rain suit instead—

well, outside it had just rained

and the gala was like a freezer.

I blushed,

knowing my suit was a little wrong

but I threw myself into the ball

and gazed at my stunning reflection

at the frozen glass, the crystal bed

below me sparkling.

This dance happens to be my favorite,

a breezy display of glee and me—

as I remember that once I’ve been

wearing a rain suit skating merrily.

Epilogue

2011-01-01T03:52:00.000Z

* * *

Thought that I have heard your voice

I thought I felt your touch

I thought you were beside me

I thought you kissed my lips

Morning came, and I felt warm

though you're no more, no more there,

I'd try to move on

and take this road to bliss—

Another chance to live.

Words and Music: Jeff Agustin (2011)

Voice: Serah Laquindanum

I Pray

2010-12-24T17:06:00.002Z

* * *

You have given me so much,

More than everything I need—

Only You have given me

And I have received.

You have blessed me in your eyes,

Granted me hands that touch

And I am ever so grateful

For I touch, I move, I follow.

This is Your purpose

I am unworthy, I may be ignorant,

But I understand it is Your will,

I can only accept.

My love for You is not enough

I am imperfect and insignificant

But Your grace is beyond sublime

I can only accept.

I am only Yours

My feet wander but I am not lost.

Now I offer everything back to You

Please, I pray, please accept.

Daffodils

2010-12-23T16:53:00.004Z

* * *

The brightest day gleamed in front of me

Sweeping my heart and senses away

I looked back at the time when we were young

When each word that you say still moved me

I prayed for you so effusively, I prayed

While you sifted through your books and maps

While your words still moved me and I say

that one day you'll find your answered pray'r

I kindled your strength, I nursed your pride

Then I saw you racing with the hasty wind

Will you come back, will you remember?

I closed my eyes and for you I prayed.

You met with the sun shining so forcefully

While I sought refuge beneath the stars

and the moon that reveals so restlessly

and the night that comforts my reveries

I will pray for you, with all my strength

My heart hardly beating, my mind writhes

What is my name? What do I want?

How far have you wandered beyond my sight?

Now tell me, tell me your beautiful name

I have seen you before, my heart can feel you

You came back for me, you did remember

I closed my eyes and for the last time I prayed.

A Muted Libretto

2010-12-12T19:01:00.006Z

* * *

Have you ever noticed

how time flies, how silently it fades away?

you were supposed to wait, stand still and wait

yet here you are, ready to start again

and here I am, savoring our last song,

our last chorus and refrain.

I hear your voice when I'm alone

you sing to me in the middle of the night

I see your eyes, they smile as sweet as your kiss

you whisper hushed words and sounds to my lips

I listen to your breath, I hear your laughter,

I feel your warmth, your arms, your heart,

your life, your future, everything about you.

Now, these thoughts,

these things, these feelings, these reminiscences

they linger, they persist in my mind,

dancing, circling, wallowing in my memory.

Stay with me, come back to me,

your words are sweet promises that lull me to sleep

and in deep slumber I wait.

I know,

I can never spend more than a lifetime

or another thousand years by your side,

memorize your face for the rest of time

recall your name when my memory fails

or remember your words when my heart ceases.

My heart is twisted, woven into my soul

one by one my senses lose control and let go of you—

your breath's sound, your fingerprints' stains,

your scent, your kiss, your enchanted gaze.

And in pure silence, I tremble in fear and yearning

for I know how it feels to lose you, how it burns.

And as I helplessly wait for that treacherous time,

you will sing a song, you will take flight

in the middle of the night, while I sleep, my eyes closed,

or while I am awake and trapped in frivolous daydreams.

Listen now,

before I sing the saddest part,

the final lines and the faintest sounds,

with my eyes closed and my heart open I will tell you

each beautiful thing about you

the magic I see in your bright eyes

the perfect words that describe you

the secrets we know, the memories I saved and kept

and the love you have shown.

Leave me be, let me be!

I am filled with your song, your intense serenade

the happiness in your eyes grips me, seduces me,

the sadness that you bring beckons me,

calls my name, commands me,

and I long for you each day.

Fate gives, time takes,

I hold on, I let go

I look at you

I love, I die

I live again.

Kilala nga ba kita?

2010-12-05T04:28:00.012Z

* * *

Nakita ko sa iyong mga mata

ang tawag ng mga nakaaakit na pangarap

sa ating unang tagpo nakita sa iyong mga ngiti

iyong nais sabihin, hindi man marinig.

Hawak ko ang iyong mga kamay

haplos mo'y kay higpit sa aking mga palad

mga bulong at hindi pag-imik ay ating mga halik

yakap mo'y sapat na sa tuwing nananabik.

Ngunit bakit ngayo'y nangangamba

inaabangan na lamang ang paglubog ng araw

sa bawat sandaling iniisip at hinahanap-hanap ka

tanong ko, kilala nga ba kita?

Naniwala ako, nagmahal din tulad mo,

ibinigay ang aking puso para lamang sa iyo

akala ko sa mga pangarap mo'y kasama rin ako;

umaasa lang pala ako sa pag-ibig mo.

Photo by Joseph Toribio

Time Travel

2010-12-02T07:50:00.000Z

* * *

She sat comfortably on the sidewalk

while her teary eyes observed colors passing by

her breathing heaved under the humid weather

then she laughed and coughed and calmed down.

She reached inside her pocket

her dry hands gently brushed the chafed fabric,

suddenly remembered nothing was there,

times like these, not even magic dust exist.

As I met her eyes, she started guessing

her fingers twitched, her eyebrows raised

with one blink, her tears glowed and evaporated,

and my lamenting heart melted under her gaze.

She managed to pull a piece of paper

as I feigned a smile,

she was beautiful, her heart longed for love

With one blink, she was young again.

Moonless water, starless sea

2010-12-01T18:08:00.005Z

* * *

I was sleeping

as the moonless water crept

over the dark pebbles covering the shore

until it touched the hem of my blanket.

I quietly rolled onto the edge of the bed

to reach the shore and dip my hands

into the starless sea.

Secretly, I waited for sea monsters

to emerge from the deeps

and strike me hard with pangs of anguish

until I bleed with angst

from their ruthless jaws

and be torn to pieces, die helplessly,

and drift woefully into oblivion.

But you wake me up

with your burning arms around me

grappling me away from despair,

your lips touching my ears

longingly calling my name in stifled whimpering

with unstoppable tears pouring from your eyes,

your body desperately heaving with courage,

and I suddenly realize

that I am yours completely,

that my heart burns for you,

that I am yours completely,

that I am yours completely.

Photo by Joseph Toribio

When I Look at You

2010-12-01T18:02:00.004Z

* * *

When I look at you I only see hope

despite the dimming world

and the silent darkness around me.

When I look at you I only see hope

despite the clutter in my mind

and the noise that surrounds me.

Look at me.

Just look at me and tell me --

how do I love you?

When you are not made of words,

and your light inspires me,

and I can only feel your warmth.

But how do I love you?

What do you see when you close your eyes?

For whenever I sleep I see your face

and whenever I close my eyes I see the same.

But how do I love you?

How often should I say your name?

For whenever I say your name I make no sound

and whenever I miss you I say it out loud.

But how do I love you?

How rarely should I speak about us?

For whenever I speak I say too much

and whenever I'm with you I lose those words.

I keep myself awake

2010-12-01T15:00:00.000Z

* * *

I keep myself awake

whenever you're beside me

because I find peace

and I am content

just watching you sleep.

I keep myself awake,

let you sleep by my side,

let you dream about us

while I think about you

and thank you secretly.

When I look at you

night becomes a sunny day,

and I smile and cry

because you are nowhere else

but here right beside me.

Secretly, I kiss you --

and patiently wait for dawn

to see your bright eyes,

and hear your voice --

to know the reason I'm alive,

to love you one more day.

How do you not feel?

2010-11-30T14:10:00.005Z

* * *

How do you force yourself to move on?

how do you not care and just walk away,

how do you not sting yourself with what-ifs and whatnots,

how do you not feel?

How do you fall in love again?

how do you refuse to live in one's past,

how do you not remember one person, one name alone,

how do you not feel?

How do you ignore a bellowing heart?

how do you not respond to its passionate plea,

how do you not see a face when you close your eyes,

how do you not feel?

Hinabing mga Alaala

2010-11-07T16:00:00.003Z

* * *

Nagbibilang ako ng mga taon,

Kay bilis pala lumipas ng panahon.

Minamadali ako sa bawat paghinga,

Akala ko'y nalimot na kita.

Naghihintay sa paglipas ng panahon,

Sabihin sa 'kin, nasaan ka na ngayon?

Nanaginip, nanahimik sa bawat araw,

Sigla ng kahapon, hindi na matanaw.

Hindi naman masamang ako'y mangarap

Sa bawat gabi, ikaw ang hanap-hanap

Hindi naman masama kung aking isipin

Ang iyong puso'y minsan naging akin.

One Dark Moon

2010-10-31T15:59:00.000Z

* * *

The deepest night glimmered like silver in the dark,

as weeping shadows crept from the foot of the bed

to my frozen feet, limp and numb,

to my waist and up, to my icy fingertips,

to my mind that slept for countless days and nights.

I rose up and reached for the cold dagger,

leagues above the earth it gleamed like the dark moon,

at the summit of the frigid sky where it rests

possessed by memories of past wounds and traumas,

it laid its body afloat like a statue of a corpse.

My eyes went past the alcove of dreams,

past the regressing tides of this moon, this earth,

past the imminent delusions of daybreak

I saw your waning face, your fading light

I saw blood from your lips, on your fingertips.

As once I confessed, my eyes never lie, now I swear!

I saw my hands clutching at the dagger's hand,

I seized, I pierced, I stabbed, I drilled, I gasped!

My heart bled, my body ruptured, my soul leapt

then, as if I never felt a single sting of pain, I slept.

Admit One

2010-10-18T19:59:00.012+01:00

* * *

Outside, I skillfully escaped curious glances,

swept through the unmoving crowd,

looked for you, recognized your face,

saw you smile.

Inside, you pressed my hand tightly, carefully,

as if what we have is real, whatever that means.

As if our fingers match, they fit like locks

and our hearts are keys, our minds are doors.

But in case you failed to notice—

I was first to take your hand

Whatever I felt right then and there,

I longed to tell, but my doors just shut.

Why does every time feel like the first time?

whenever we share this unpredictable silence

around us, we feel as if time bends

for us in this mindless act, this scene,

one, two, four, several times.

Hands on you, feeling your heartbeat

Now, what do you feel?

What do you think?

Please, I told myself,

don't fall again, not this time

not when the time is not right, not ever.

But I want you now

more than ever, I see, I feel

just for this moment, I matter.

(But secretly, I know—

the moment we step out of this movie

You will belong to someone else.)

Heart of Stone

2010-10-11T20:33:00.000+01:00

* * *

I wish my heart was made of stone

so you wouldn't have to worry,

you couldn't hurt me.

You can do whatever you want,

you can laugh or just be happy,

but you cannot hurt me.

You can go on with your life,

you can move on, dream on,

just go on with your life without me.

There are days when I take the pain,

some other days I do not feel at all,

truth is, I miss you most of the time

because you left memories I could recall.

And as you keep shining like the bluest star,

amid the theatrical glow of this indulgent night,

from a distance, your radiance consumes me

and I am bedazzled.

But my heart is not made of stone,

it beats, it bleeds, it breathes,

it feels only one thing and nothing else

it feels for you, sometimes it goes beyond,

it twists my mind when I think of you.

My heart is not made of stone

and these tears are for real.

I couldn't undo my love for you,

truth is, I feel.

Overdose

2010-10-04T18:44:00.001+01:00

* * *

Like an innocuous drug

your kiss seeps into my lips,

blood surges beneath my skin,

my heart stops breathless.

You clasp my cold hands

cold, cold unfeeling arms,

scathing unforgiving wounds

wrestling with my numbed senses

forcing me to collapse.

If I take too much of you, will I live?

Your prescription proves too strong

a remedy for my convulsing heart.

If I take too little, will I survive?

Refusal is the next best thing

when strength escapes my senses,

when my mind stops to function,

when you leave me no choice.

I too, can feel!

I need that drug, your feisty antidote

sustain me with your innocuous dose

feed my mind with stimuli, kiss me again!

Resuscitate me.

Restore my sanity.

You are my guilty pleasure.

Your innocence revives.

"Ink blot" (acrylic on canvas) by KJCA

Osmosis

2010-09-27T20:17:00.000+01:00

* * *

I was looking forward to the next stop

My eyes closed, my mind open, my feet apart

not a single distraction could keep me

not even the dazzling lights that went past

not even the rumbling of roads and highways

not even the thought of you not waiting for me

because I have something to say.

I had never felt so alone as I waited there

patiently, intently, among the stoic crowd

not a single distraction could move me

not even the gray skies and pouring rain

not even the impending distress of sorts

not even the panic I felt deep in my heart

because I have something to say.

All was a blur, in slow, slow motion

everywhere was gray, murky gray

lights collided with the mist and the rain

everything sounded like heartbeats rushing

everything sounded like sirens and noise

everything recurred like scenes from a movie

rewinding and playing, rewinding and playing.

I pushed.

You pulled.

You pushed.

I pulled.

I want you more than words can say.

I Falter Again

2010-09-27T18:32:00.001+01:00

* * *

Behind closed doors

behind makeshift walls and panels

right at the backstage that extends

as far as our eyes can see

as far as the light can bounce

we met surreptitiously

we whispered secretly

we imagined the tempting glare

of spotlights and spectators

the chilling cold of the empty stage

where we'll one day kiss

but now we move on.

We crafted ingenious ways to hide

while we recited lines and sounds

I played music you liked to hear

you sang songs and I carefully listened

and we spent moments that burn.

Why are we doing this?

Is it by chance or by choice?

Your eyes look at a distant shore

While my sight is fixed on the future.

If we did meet by some silly chance

and we know we are making believe

stealing glances, making sounds

why then, why do we still choose?

Who will believe us when we say

we chose right? we chose wrong?

We are alone but together we're free

in our imagined time and space

in our peculiar affair, silly choice,

but now we move on.

But how do we choose?

I know the answer but I cannot move

I falter again in your gripping arms

With your eyes, your smile, I falter again.

Falter

2010-09-27T16:43:00.001+01:00

* * *

I do not understand

Why I have to meet you now

Why you have to come into my life

So suddenly without warning me

That you might make me weak

And I fall again and again.

I do not understand

What is it that I see in your eyes

You tell me everything with your gaze

You tell me everything with your smile.

But still I do not understand

Why I have to answer

Why I have to give

My everything in return.

Now you’ve changed me—

For once in my life

It’s not me anymore

It’s all about you—

How you make me happy

How you ease the pain

How you make me falter

How you love me.

L.S.S.

2010-09-24T19:17:00.000+01:00

* * *

Tired from running away from the groove and the crowd

the strobe lights and sounds,

the scratching so loud,

I glanced at my stiff hands—

2:17 a.m.

I dragged my feet, dragged myself,

shoes scratching on the floor,

kept dragging myself, dragging my feet—

my bed is just a taxi away.

“Just take me home. I want my bed, my pillow now.”

Lights suddenly took speed—

faster and faster the lights dashed past me,

dashing like moonbeams.

Stop.

Staccato.

Message sent.

Heard my name so suddenly

I heard it right then and there

I dropped my phone into my pocket.

Batteries drained and empty.

I suppose he got it right.

I suppose she’ll get it right.

A couple of lovers, a few notes,

a couple of birthdays, a few jokes,

a couple of greetings, a few ads.

Kept repeating a line or two

Over and over, I think of you

Over and over again, I think of you

Again and again, I think of you.

Stop.

“Keep the change.”

I jumped off the cab,

with a voice still singing in my head like an echo.

An echo.

Ah, my bed!

I glanced at my stiff hands—

2:17 a.m.

Daffodils

2010-09-18T08:20:00.002+01:00

* * *

The brightest day gleamed in front of me

Sweeping my heart and senses away

I looked back at the time when we were young

When each word that you say still moved me

I prayed for you so effusively, I prayed

While you sifted through your books and maps

While your words still moved me and I say

that one day you'll find your answered pray'r

I kindled your strength, I nursed your pride

Then I saw you racing with the hasty wind

Will you come back, will you remember?

I closed my eyes and for you I prayed.

You met with the sun shining so forcefully

While I sought refuge beneath the stars

and the moon that reveals so restlessly

and the night that comforts my reveries

I will pray for you, with all my strength

My heart hardly beating, my mind writhes

What is my name? What do I want?

How far have you wandered beyond my sight?

Now tell me, tell me your beautiful name

I have seen you before, my heart can feel you

You came back for me, you did remember

I closed my eyes and for the last time I prayed.

* * *

2010-09-01T09:33:00.010+01:00

You stood behind the door,

and I at the other side,

patiently waiting for the first sound

I’ll hear from your side.

You knocked,

and calmly asked me to let you in

as I held my breath

and consulted my heart for a response.

I hesitated for a few moments,

clutched my hands,

and finally

opened the door.

Six years.

What is need?

2010-08-27T10:01:00.001+01:00

* * *

What is need?

Tell me.

Is need entirely different from want?

Or is it an allusion to uninhibited desire?

You must tell me.

For whenever you persist in my mind,

everything blurs

and I am confused.

I lose the meaning of words

while sentiments compel me to hesitate

whenever you look at me,

whenever your hand touches mine,

or whenever I’m in your arms.

But above all I’m certain

that my heart will break if I lose you;

and I will only refuse to recover

until I dispel my desolation

and finally understand

that I need you,

and I want you,

and I love you above all.

Tell me a secret

2010-08-26T12:24:00.003+01:00

* * *

Tell me a secret.

And my lips will touch your ear

like a feather, like a flower,

and I will sing you a song.

Then your eyes will look at me

Oh so lovingly.

Where do you keep your secrets?

In your silly dreams, perhaps,

or your sarcasm and sincerity—

I’d like to know.

And I will listen very carefully

to your breath and your heartbeat

because I know I am there,

and you love me everywhere.

Lost and Found

2010-08-25T19:53:00.001+01:00

* * *

I will collect sensations

from simple tables and chairs, doors and windows,

and empty boxes and brittle sticks of chalk,

turpentine, paintbrushes, and pencil cases.

I will collect sentiments and thoughts

from breadcrumbs and undelivered mail,

cups and pots, empty shelves and empty drawers,

faded blankets and tattered shoes.

All these I would do

to find you in every little thing, in every contraption,

and books and records, maps, stars and dreams,

because I sent you away, forgot about you,

and I sadly miss you so much.

Come Into the Light

2010-08-02T17:17:00.000+01:00

* * *

It is the absence of light

the rousing of obscured nightmares

the intimate grapple of delusions in your mind

that keeps you from seeing.

It is the murder of hope

the slaughter of desire and longing

the unrelenting failure of your emotions

that keeps you from feeling.

You are on the brink

wondering where it finally leads

you are not a step closer unless you choose

to let go and follow the light.

Come into the light!

Open your eyes and see the tempting glare

Follow it, let it consume you

And feel your heart beating again.

Small, small world

2010-07-29T17:47:00.000+01:00

* * *

You sat beside me

and the stillness of the night

was perfect like you,

like your smile,

like the happiness in your eyes.

I didn't expect

to find you that night

but my heart melted

at the first sight of you

because you're real

and you're with me.

Dreams do come true

and I owe it all to you

now that you've given me

the chance to be with you

in this small, small world

where I found you,

and you found me, in return.

I'll See You Again

2010-07-20T18:08:00.004+01:00

* * *

Do you believe in destiny?

I do.

But I never imagined how clever it can get

One day it led me to you.

You were there exactly where I found you

But I was caught by surprise.

Do you believe in love?

I do.

It is so real yet it never speaks

Like how you don't need words yet I know.

Each word that you don't say moves me

And with your smile I am content.

Do you believe in the afterlife?

I do.

I imagine seeing you after this lifetime

Your face without any trace of sadness

Your smile telling me words you never say

And we'll dream of time and again.

Do you believe in destiny?

I do.

I tell you, we'll see each other again.

In prayer and love

2010-06-19T19:09:00.007+01:00

* * *

I will pray for you

remember your name and smile

before my eyes dim.

Amongst the stars

2010-06-06T19:58:00.022+01:00

* * *

I am afraid.

The last time I saw you was not in a dream

I can vaguely remember, but yes—it was you

my mind will prove what my eyes do believe.

Now I hover amongst the stars

suspended in deep boundless darkness

my mind prowls the sea of glittering sand—

in search of the one thing it will never find.

When I let you go you haplessly fled

you hid so cleverly amongst the heavenly stars

your earthly charm blended in their chorus of light

and your glimmer lingers every sleepless night.

When I let you go you happened to fly

you never said a word but you left a smile

my mind will prove what my heart believes

now I defy the stars in pursuit of a wish—

Once and for all come back to me!

Or I shall take advantage of gravity

I will plunge through the abyss of oblivion

and we shall never see each other again.

In silence and love

2010-06-06T18:32:00.006+01:00

* * *

I will love you still

and remember your promise

until my last breath.

Look

2010-06-05T18:30:00.004+01:00

* * *

Do you see a face with lines

and scars marking the years that withered

eyes marred from seeing too much

a face that endured time and fear?

Do you see arms of a weakling

with brittle bones hidden under a pale skin

palms with lines that do not cross

hands that quivered in bitter cold?

Tell me how you force your mind to look

and your curious eyes to shut at will

you only choose what you want to see

but you do not know, you do not feel.

See beyond the face, I will tell you more

feel what you always doubted, I will explain

I too have observed what you have seen

but I understood, while you just looked.

Driven

2010-06-05T04:15:00.006+01:00

* * *

Each time I drive myself mad

through miles of endless winding roads

cutting across rocks and mountains

curling around unnamed forests

you are the reason I am lost.

Each time I drive myself mad

through miles of endless winding roads

cutting across columns and skyscrapers

turning around posts and stations

you are the reason I am lost.

At an empty corner

2010-05-28T18:57:00.001+01:00

* * *

At an empty corner of the ceiling

kept hidden in the dingy basement

guarded by a sturdy wooden door

and its rusting cables and chains,

I cowered upside down

And gritted my nails patiently.

The furtive walls kept vigil,

suspicious of my every sudden move;

for every scant movement that I attempt

unsettles their secret boredom.

This meaningless torture perhaps I deserve

as I had already forgotten my name,

and I had long forgotten the features of my face,

the sound of my own voice, the taste of sunlight

on my pale cheeks and numbed lips,

since you deserted me tonight.

But all is not lost.

Because the truth is, I know—

the moment I open my eyes after this endless night,

you will return.

Untamed Vanity

2010-05-18T17:12:00.003+01:00

* * *

You stand proud

blinded in front of a gasping crowd

your palms facing their beaming eyes

your fingers dancing, combing your hair

your feet prancing, lifting your weight

your soul gyrating, evading the shackles

in front of a thrusting mob

you lead a chorus of bewilderment

and impress delusion on its innocence.

You conjure willful acts of suicide

concealed in sheaths of seduction

your palms, stained with blood, gesture wildly

your numbed fingers restrict your reach

your feet, engraved with bruises, twinge madly

your blinded soul forces and releases its grip

beyond the rhythm, the music seduces incessantly

and you leapfrog into the beating night

without meeting the face of light.

Clandestine

2010-04-08T18:19:00.006+01:00

* * *

Secretly dreaming

Serenity came to me

I was bedazzled.

"Landscape 1" (watercolor on paper) by KJCA

You fall in love

2010-04-01T10:50:00.002+01:00

* * *

A mindless tease catches your eyes,

frivolous encounters delude your senses,

unexpected words and pauses come and go

and you can't think of anything else.

You have no idea how love begins as a funny joke,

but you couldn't care less about the littlest details

that strike you, and you recall everything

and you hold on to yourself and you lose control.

You look for it, but it evades you,

ignore it and you find it in the most unusual places.

You let go and fall and plunge deeper and deeper

and finally, you see the light despite your blindness.

Love is a serious joke, but I don't care

because I am immune and the world is unfair

I persist to find reason in this mindless game

and hope to start all over again.

Move, please, move

2010-03-09T09:43:00.001Z

* * *

Sometimes, people do not see.

At times, they do not move.

They tend to ignore and stand still

without knowing what moves.

Like today—

I've seen people without eyes, without hands,

I've seen some who choose to whisper

and I know they couldn't hear as well.

I walk and run and move about

and I see countless faces and facelessness

garbled sounds and white noise pierce my ears

as I force my mind to look.

Move, please, move

so I can see you from where you stand

Speak aloud, please, speak!

So I can hear you and recognize your face

and remember your name, and believe in you.

Move, please, move!

My heart is afraid of losing hope

my love is not impatient, but it needs—

it needs to know, it needs to feel.

Liberty At Last

2010-01-07T12:09:00.004Z

* * *

Staccato.

Red clouds hovered upon the seamless sky

gleaming arrows rained and sprinted

like fireballs and staggering beams

countless roars, cries, bellows and screams

blended into a chorus of ceaseless grief

heroes and warriors and fearless soldiers

trampled the earth in their dreadful flight

their shields and rusted swords rattled

banners and pennants undulated

with life and death, and life after death.

And I?

I kissed the rumbling ground

sealed my lips with dust, soil, and mud

dug the earth with my numbed hands

waited for the unrest to commit suicide

and I prayed for silence to conquer the land.

And as the last arrow flung itself across the sky

before my eyes dimmed and my soul lost grip

I saw your face and loved you for the last time.

One Year

2009-12-24T18:09:00.001Z

* * *

Could you count a single year

or do we leave it at that?

Could you cross your fingers

or do you want me to pray?

Could you say you love me now

or do we finally move on?

Without Words

2009-12-21T09:09:00.004Z

* * *

I can tell how you feel—

When you are happy

your eyes smile while you speak

your fingers tinker with your hair

and your laughter completes my day.

When you are sad and you feel alone

you talk too little or you don't talk at all

you shrug your shoulders and silently stare

at the emptiness that only you can see.

You don't need words at all

it's clear to me when you feel something

I don't need to guess when you're in love

even without words, I know.

But how can I tell you without words

I am happy every time you smile

I am happy when you let me hold your hand

and my heart leaps and falls like mad.

I am sad when your day turns gray

I am sad when you rant behind closed doors

and it hurts me because I've always been here

but you don't hear words, you don't feel.

Now, how can I tell you without words

without the courage to make you understand

that I feel for you, and my heart wants you,

and I love you even without words.

Stairs

2009-12-11T11:48:00.000Z

* * *

I try to forget

but the mere attempt forces me to remember more

it's as if I were meant to meet you in an instant

when chances are slim and our feelings match.

I force myself

to keep my thoughts away from your silent command

to avoid the despair that mutters with your every breath

and at the same time accept that our time is over.

I cannot do this alone

I need you to help me forget and deny the love I feel

your voice is like a command that my body resists

but wants and utterly desires at the same time.

I will forget

though it hurts me to see you at the top of the stairs

and i am still here in the middle, afraid to lose myself

lost in between flights of stairs, in between choices.

Revival

2009-11-29T20:36:00.001Z

* * *

For love is something that is often vague,

we define it, but we forget what it means--

it is not simply longing or yearning

or needing somebody to hold your hand;

it means believing, and having faith,

and giving yourself without regretting

and willingly loving without pain.

Tell me a secret

2009-11-24T09:18:00.003Z

* * *

Tell me a secret.

And my lips will touch your ear

like a feather, like a flower,

and I will sing you a song.

Then your eyes will look at me

Oh so lovingly.

Where do you keep your secrets?

In your silly dreams, perhaps,

or your sarcasm and sincerity—

I’d like to know.

And I will listen very carefully

to your breath and your heartbeat

because I know I am there,

and you love me everywhere.

Appeased.

2009-11-13T18:17:00.001Z

* * *

After a few months of make-believe,

several erratic days,

hours of missed sleep,

minutes of breathtaking encounters,

seconds of loving,

I choose to move on.

I recall telling you

that time does not exist,

that time is not real.

How strange—

right now, I yearn to go back

and revive the time

we've profusely wasted

and stolen from each other's arms.

Then again, I recall

our first time;

when you told me—

It was all well worth it.

Yes, it was all well worth it.

Sea of make-believe

2009-11-06T17:42:00.002Z

* * *

Once more, I entered my room,

this time wide awake,

and the traces of lurid dreams

and delusions have all faded.

I sat on the floor

near the unkempt bed

and waited for something

to happen.

Nothing moved

except my fingers that twitched restlessly.

My eyes paced the confines of the room

and I forced my mind to respond.

You never arrived.

Not even a figment of you,

or a feeble sound

to announce your return.

And I sat still

waiting patiently for the sea of make-believe

to flood my room until I drown,

then you will save me again.

Does it matter?

2009-11-05T16:31:00.001Z

* * *

Does it matter—

If my eyes will never see your gleaming smile?

If my ears will never hear your enchanting voice?

If my hand will never touch your beautiful face?

When you are mine completely—

In my dream?